December 2010
64 posts
Square Dance
When I was little, we’re talking like 4 or 5, one of my mum’s friends took me and other members of my family out somewhere to square dance. I honestly have no idea where it was, I was too young to know or care. Anyways, I thought I was going to hate it because I did not like dancing, nor did I like country music. When we arrived, it pretty much went as I thought it would. I...
“I’m so stupid. Nothing ever works out, does it? Nobody ever waits. Nobody ever...”
– Sid, Skins (via wonwherefound)
Goals for Winter Quarter
Go to therapy. See what happens.
Exercise (I don’t like the expression “work out”) at least 5 days a week. I need to reduce stress (and looking fit for the first time in my life wouldn’t be too bad).
Eat right for again 5 days a week. This speaks to the nutritional aspect of my diet another goal is to skip no more than 2 meals a week (baby steps). I would like to...
I Think About Weird Things This Time of Year
Someone remind me to write about that time I went square dancing as a small child and my old piano teacher if it isn’t up within 24 hours please.
11:11
I just looked up (a little while ago now) and I couldn’t help but see it was 11:11. Like many things in my life, this induced a wry smile from me. ”Make a wish”, I thought bitterly. I was never one for wishes and I had always thought 11:11 was kind of silly. I remember telling several people my view on it that in my mind all making a wish does is get my hopes up and in the...
Love This Show
Haley: I've been alone all weekend no friends, no phone, just books! I feel like Alex.
Alex: You're never alone when you have books.
Haley: Really? Is that what you want me to turn into?
Claire: Yeah well these are the SATs not some stupid science test.
Alex: Wait if science tests are so stupid why are mine hanging up on the refrigerator?
Haley: Because we'll bad for you because books are your friends.
Alex: She wasn't studying last night she was vid chatting the whole time.
Hey Fictional Characters
Stop making me wish you were real. It’s really starting to mess with me because I begin to make myself think you are just to get through things. Reality sucks so much more after this.
“They try to rob me
Take away my integrity now
They try to snake me
Take away...”
– “San Simeon” by: Goldfinger
I can't compete with all your damn ideas and this...
This is Time of Year I Begin to Think About the...
And the dead to me…
“Wait Meaghan, I come over to visit you because you are home alone on Christmas...”
– Me
“I try to live my life for the people who need a come back
There’s too...”
– “Trinity” By: The Paper Tongues
Fifteen Percent
I just started watching Modern Family and at the end of one of the episodes, one of the characters responds to the question of can people change that people can change about 15% of who they are, whether they do it for themselves, others, or outside reasons. This actually seems to be pretty accurate to me and can explain a lot of why things do and don’t work out. People are not static, but...
Penny For My Thoughts?
I’m really glad I don’t ever respond immediately to anything. Even in this which is more or less unadulterated me, I always take a little bit of time to think before just completely going off with unbridled emotion (at least when it is negative). I was very close to being genuinely angry for the first time in a very long time recently, but now that I have taken some time I can better...
“Well another man might have been angry,
And another man might have been hurt,...”
– Harry Chapin
He Said "What Are You Looking For"
I said “I dunno maybe a miracle”
“They don’t like what you have to say but they still beg you to come. ...”
– “Ms. Hill” by Talib Kweli
674 Days
Since the last time I harmed myself. I’m proud to say I’ve kept that going especially through this past week.
Let’s talk about how the two best compliments I’ve received from my two best friends this year were
I’m proud of you for at least trying (in regards to me actually putting myself out there and telling the person I had a crush on I liked them). This came after I got completely shot down.
I’m glad you’re actually getting angry about something. It worries me when...
“Then one day when I was in my mid-teens I woke up and realized that the new era...”
– Ishmael - Daniel Quinn (via wallflowers-grow-here)
I don’t feel like a real person anymore again.
“Goodbye Cruel World”
By: Pink Floyd
Mum: Well I mean we all get old eventually.
Me: Not me.
Mum: Really what's your plan?
Me: Die young.
I Walked Away, I Walked Away
‘Cause I’m The Bad Guy.
So close to a relapse…
I was going to do Streetlight Quotes
But then realized I would be spamming forever if I did. Please instead listen to their whole collection of songs to understand my current emotional state.
If this isn’t possible I will give you a quick hits or highlights list in order of importance/accuracy of my mood.
A Better Time, A Better Place (I am Annie in this situation)
As The Footsteps Die Out Forever
1234, 1234
The Saddest...
He grew a beard as soon as he could to cover the scars on his face.
Going Into Full Blown Numbness Mode
It’s just the only way to cope at the moment.
I Used To Think Everyone Was The Enemy
Now I realize it’s just the inner me.
This Loneliness is Killing Me
It’s filing me with anger and resentment.
I Miss Everyone
I wish people still talked to me.
I have gotten so used to taking the guilt for everything that I even provide people reasons to be able to blame the inevitable on me so that they won’t have to feel bad about it later. A little over exaggeration for someone else’s wellbeing has happened a few times.
Makes me feel like shit though.
I'm So Full Of Love, It Deeply Sickens Me
I have hit my breaking point. I don’t think I am going to be able to salvage anything if this continues much longer.
I Accidentally Went North Leaving Providence
Morgan: It's funny that your instinct is to drive away from your house rather than towards it.
Me: Yeah well both yours and Alex's house is in this direction so I'm not surprised.
I’ve lost a lot of respect for some people…it’s actually really sad.
“Why are all the parking lots in Rhode Island designed by drunk babies?”
– Nelson (via phoenix-feather)
A Heads Up
I did not take care of business this week. Therefore when I get back to school I am going to mess up something rather badly. As a result I am probably going to end up getting into a random relationship on an impulse decision, that in reality is not helpful to me at all and at the end of the day will prove to be detrimental, but even knowing this it will happen anyways because I am sick of being...
I have forgotten how neurotic I get when I am within the confines of this household. There is so much negative memory association it is kind of ridiculous. My room is the worst due to all of the self harm inflicted there. Following closely behind is the bathroom because of that one day almost five years ago now. I now remember why I don’t sleep while being here at all. I wish to an...
When I was younger, one of my nicknames was “agony”. The reason for this was because one of my friends tried to sound out my initials (AGN) and that is what he came up with. For at least 2 years it was used often before other names took over. I don’t think my friend who started it was ever close to me when it would have become a fulfilled prophecy. I wonder if he would...
I would just like some bloody closure for once in my life.
So Much Sadness
I love it when a plan comes together completely falls apart.
Love is like in tennis...
it means nothing.
If you ever find “clouds”, by Kevin Tuffy Ft. Sway Dasafo and gave it to me you would be my favourite person ever. No joke.
“By the way it’s not about making money, it’s about taking money. ...”
– Dr. Horrible
It’s not about who we are, but who they thought we were.