As someone has recently brought up, the definitition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Now I rather dislike this definition and have some questions for the person who first came up with it. Some of them are as follows:
Do you get out of bed every morning?
If so, do you expect your day to be different from the day before it?
If that is the case do you believe you are insane?
Is anybody you know not insane by your definition?
Einstein if you ever would like to answer me I would be more than happy to hear your view on this and be honored to meet you.
“We will not compromise who we are to be accepted by the crowd. We want substance in the place of popularity. We want to think our own thoughts. We want love, not lies. We want knowledge, understanding and peace. We will not lose because we are not losers, we are L.A.S.E.R.s.”—Lupe Fiasco
Why am I thinking about you? It makes no sense we were only friends in passing. I used to love your style and how completely unique you were. You were my first friend who was openly gay. It’s funny, but the first time I ever saw you wearing pink was at a dance last year. You were wearing a pretty pink dress that made you look like a princess (so different from your usual dark style) and she was wearing a suit with a matching tie. You looked so classy and I really loved it even though I didn’t tell you so. I didn’t even say hello you were not friends with the people I was with and besides we hadn’t spoken in a few years. I always felt like we could relate if only on a level that both weren’t like anybody else we were in school with. I think we both felt rather alone often times although I’m sure it was less obvious with me since I wasn’t shunned like you were. I remember you told me once that you wished I wasn’t so straight edge in regards to my views on drugs because you felt we would’ve hung out more and would have been best friends. Your tie dye hair used to completely make my day and I actually thought it looked good on you. You were never afraid to be yourself and I always admired you for it. In the half hour I slept last I had a dream about you. You were wearing a very stylish gothic dress that I felt was very fitting for you. It started off rather nice, but for some reason I had a sinking feeling that something was off. I asked if you would like to dance (I love dream logic) and we both apparently know how to waltz in Dreamland (I actually wouldn’t put it past you in real life). It all seemed to be kind of wonderful and then I looked down. Your left arm was a bloody mess. I awoke feeling incredibly alarmed, concerned and nauseated. I don’t know. We haven’t spoken in years, but I just hope you are okay.
Ok so this requires a short explanation. One of the largest issues I have with how my life has progressed has been that I always seem to lose contact with the people who are the closest to me which absolutely kills me and makes me want to not even try to get close to people often times. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I just kind of wanted to make a list so that I can stop going over it in my head. Also, my hope is that if I get it down now then my head will stop exaggerating how important these people were to me. Maybe you can follow this if not then it’s fine it’s kind of for my own mental purposes anyways.
Vinny You were really my first friend outside of my family. We were really little and I think your calmness is what drew my hyperactive self to you when we were in preschool. We were able to get so much done between my endless energy and your ways of being able to manage it. I feel like in hindsight I was very much just someone to be sent about to do the things you couldn’t do yourself, but I will always fondly remember you and that Celtics jacket you had. You moved when I was five and I haven’t ever seen you since.
Alex It’s sad, but I don’t remember much about our friendship. I distinctly remember how you looked, the silly shark tooth necklace you always wore, and even the sound of your voice (far too raspy for a kid your age). I think you were my first “troubled” friend and I remember enjoying your presence and, although I didn’t fully comprehend the gravity of your issues at the time, always feeling bad that you had to be dealing with it. You ended up with your mom in Arizona and I was alone again. You said you would call. The part of me that wishes I was still six continues to wait.
Josh You were always in and out of surgery. I felt bad, but in a way it’s why we were friends. I always liked carrying your books or hanging out with you at recess while everyone else was too busy running crazy to hang out with the “crippled” kid. You knew more about Boston sports than any other person I knew (and possibly more about the Red Sox than anyone I have met since). As the years passed on and you got better I was always your receiver and no one ever understood how the kid on crutches could throw such a perfect pass to that kid who was way too focused on grades for an elementary school student, but I think we knew why. Your mother also introduced me to Jewish food, particularly latkes. I will forever love her for that. You had to miss a full year for another hip surgery. When you came back we were in middle school and you didn’t see me much. We never really talked much after that. I remember being slightly hurt I wasn’t even informed about your Bar Mitzvah. I missed talking to you. I sometimes wonder if you even remember who I am.
Emily You were the first girl I was friends with after I got over that silly stage in elementary school when I thought all girls were icky. I remember admiring you for your writing, which sounds strange now since we were in like 5th grade, but its true. I remember being band with you when you played the flute. There were only 4 of us in our small group and you were the only girl. To this day I remember stealing your pen almost everyday and wanting to be in your group for projects and talking about books with you. I even hung out with you on occasion because you were my neighbor’s cousin. You were the only girl I let sign my yearbook and from then on I was never concerned about what other boys would think of me. I really enjoyed being friends with you and still can recall many of your mannerisms. You went to private school for middle school, I did not. I see maybe twice a year and we exchange pleasantries. I always want to ask you how you are really doing and be close with you again, but I never will. That would be weird of me so I pretend I am content with my limited interaction, but I still think of you every day when I pass your house on my way home. I hope you’re doing well and wonder what you are like now.
Bryan We met in first grade. I remember because you were the only kid who knew as much math as I did (my grandfather had taught me all the math I needed up through about 6th grade before I even started kindergarten, it was how we bonded). Our sisters were the same age and friends which made hanging out easier since both sets of us could visit at once. We were so close back then. We would talk about stuff from video games to sports and beyond. I remember you asked me to go out to eat with your family once and you taught me square roots. Your sister made fun of us mercilessly for it, but we didn’t care, it was cool. We used to play basketball and go on treks through the woods. We found that waterfall once and I’ve always wanted to go back and find it although I’m sure it would be far less impressive now. You made it so I couldn’t spell half of my friends names correctly for several years because I always spelled Brian with the “Y” like your name. We began to drift apart in middle school and then I went to private school for high school. We don’t talk anymore, but I ran into you about a month ago. We greeted each other warmly enough, but I could see the confusion in your eyes like I was not the person you remember spending so much time with. We politely chatted about college and then I made my exit. I was so sad and even though I know I have changed (and in many ways that is good) I keep picturing that look in your eyes and it hurts.
Brian A. You were one of my closest friends, mainly because you lived just across the street from me. We used to hang out with the rest of our crew more or less everyday from about a year after I moved until you started high school. It was so much fun. I remember always playing madden on your team at your house. We would always play as the Patriots against the Browns in the snow. We played a lot of sports too even if you were a sore loser and would always find an excuse to stop if I would ever start beating you at anything. I didn’t mind I’ve never had a problem with not being the best in fact I never have been at anything so I thought it made sense to stop. We beat the entirety of The Return Of The King LOTR video game in one sitting because we were both so souped off of the Two Towers game and the movies which I introduced to you. You became too cool for me when you went to high school. I drove past your house today and thought of you. You always would give me that half wave if you were outside. I remember always checking to see if your garage was open because then I would know if you were home or not. I haven’t spoken to you in years. I believe that last thing I said to you was via the internet and I just informed you that I enjoyed the beard and glasses you have acquired since you shut me out of your life. I believe I was ignored. It’s fine though, by that time I was used to that response. I hope you’re loving URI bud.
Peter You lived right next to me and were the only friend I had my age. Your father was one of the most intimidating looking, but nicest people I’ve ever met. You were always so into sports and I remember playing basketball against you all the time. We played barefoot once and I landed on a rock after taking a shot and gashed my foot open. It was a fun bonding experience and provided a cool cut on my foot for the rest of the month. Your step brother always scared the hell out of me and I remember positively cowering behind you when we were younger when he was around. We used to play video games and your father always used to kick us outside because he thought we should be getting more exercise. I went to all of your little league all-star games just because we were so close. I even had my own superstitions like always buying the same drink (Mountain Dew Code Red and Sunflower Seeds) at the middle of the 3rd inning so that you guys would keep winning. It worked all the way until regional finals your last year. We actually were pretty close until around 8th grade then I never seemed to see you anymore. We go to school together now, but we move in different circles. You moved last year. It actually really hurts me that you don’t acknowledge my existence when we see each other. I know it would probably hurt your reputation to associate with a nerdy and artsy kid like myself, but I mean we were good friends years the least you can do is say hello when you see me. We’re in the same fucking gym class and you act like you have no idea who I am. I don’t know what I ever did to you, but I’m sorry.
Brian D (And Eddy, Jerry, Paola, etc.) You guys were my punk friends and I will always love you for it. We became friends through a bond of music that we loved (although admittedly you supplied me with most of it because my parents did not approve of such things). We had an interesting relationship because we each provided a very necessary service for the other. I have no doubt that if it wasn’t for you I would have been bullied to no end during middle school and would have completely lost my voice forever, but with your help I am still outspoken and stand by my opinions. I on the other hand was the intelligent one who was able to figure out the details of the pranks and other shenanigans you would want to pull. I was also the one who would keep you from doing anything too drastic and was able to bail you out when you would get in trouble. I remember taking abandoned teacher’s lockers that we weren’t supposed to in 8th grade and getting yelled at for it by teachers, but I was friends with the principal and so I staged a loud conversation in front of one of the teachers who would hassle us “making sure” he didn’t mind that we had taken those lockers. He said it was fine with him and we weren’t bothered anymore. We used to have lunch together all the time. You guys helped me loosen up and have fun which is really what I needed because if not I would have very quickly become another antisocial kid concerned only with school. I should have known something was off when I stopped getting invitations to hang out, but I trusted you. I found out on the bus one day about how you had all started smoking weed. We had always joked about it before, but I never thought any of us actually would. Once I found out I decided to try to get you guys to stop. When that didn’t work I pretended I didn’t care and hung out with you anyways, I just didn’t smoke. I really didn’t have much fun and one day you started throwing shot glasses that you had found in your attic at me when you were in an altered state and I decided I just couldn’t do it anymore. I began turning down your invitations and slowly stopped getting invited altogether. I could never sit with you anymore I felt too guilty. I still feel responsible for ruining all of your lives because I didn’t catch you quick enough. I was the responsible one and I failed. I wish I could go back to talking about skateboarding and music with you. So many of you have just gone over the edge now and I haven’t heard from you in years. Bri-guy I still see you a few times a year and I love you to death man, I just wish you understood how much your habits hurt me and how much I wish we were still friends.
Fabio We were the two who didn’t smoke with the rest of them. We became members of the table that Mr. Goodridge so aptly named the Island of Misfit Toys at lunch. We had been friends since pre-school and were always really tight. You and your brother Max were some of my favorite people ever as were your parents. Then you IMed me one day just after I started high school at a different place from you and you informed me that you had started smoking too. It broke my heart. I didn’t even see the point of not doing so since I no longer had anyone who agreed with me, but then you told me you would never let me because, while he and my other friends supposedly never were, I was actually going places in my life. I felt so terrible I told him to try to stop and if he was ever going to just call me any time of the day or night and I would help him not do so. He agreed and even did so several times. I felt so great for being able to help him quit. Then finally he told me it wasn’t really worth it and started smoking again. He gradually stopped talking to me altogether. I hope he is doing well and gets into that culinary program he always wanted to go to and is able to open up a restaurant someday. I know I will visit it no matter where it is if that ever happens.
Johnna You were the first girl I ever had a crush on. We just became very close and I felt able to talk to you about anything, something that was completely new and still incredibly rare. We talked often and a lot of strife was going on in my life at this time and it was nice to have someone to share with. You also said you wanted to be a psychiatrist which probably explains your true interest in me which was more of me as subject, but that is neither here nor there. I remember talking to you about so much and even asking you out at one point. You said no and I was ok with that I was just happy we were talking. About a week later you informed that I was too messed up and you no longer wanted to have any type of contact with me. If it wasn’t hard enough that the only person I could talk to had stopped talking to me all of your friends stopped talking to me as well. I remember asking you a question once after this time had started you gave me one of the harshest answers I have ever received and I couldn’t handle it. I was pushed over the edge by you. Now, years later you pretend like nothing ever even happened. We don’t talk anymore, but when I see you try to make small talk and often times try to remind me how you helped me out. I saw the other day you were accepted to a school near where I am going and I remember really hoping you don’t go. I don’t hold grudges, but you still make me very uncomfortable whenever I am in your presence. I wish you the best and truly wish everything had worked out better because you were one of the people who I was the closest with for a long time. Oh I do hope you have changed your life plan, you would be a shitty psychiatrist because you clearly do not care for the person. That may be unfair. I actually hope that maybe you have changed and would be an excellent one.
Ping Oh Ping you were just so cool. I remember you commenting to me about how much you wanted to move back to Taiwan because you found so many Americans to just be pricks. You at one point informed me that I was one of the only Americans you respected and I was so honored to hear that. I never would have passed algebra without you teaching me your way of doing it since our teacher was so dreadful, but then again I helped you a lot with English and History so fair trade. You were so good at trumpet and violin. I know I poked fun at you for being a robot and having no emotion when you played, but you were always so right on in every song that I really can’t criticize you. I actually really admired it. You used to use my middle name when referring to me because it was different from what everyone else called me and you thought it annoyed me, but I actually rather enjoyed it. I gave you my lunch almost every day that year which made me feel altruistic about my eating habits since you never had a lunch for financial reasons. I remember during the last world cup the two of us would always run to your favorite teacher during hallway time and check the scores. You moved after that year to Kentucky of all places. I gave you my number as did two of our other friends. You called me and left a message with your number. My sister was mad at me that day and deleted it before I ever got it. I am actually really saddened about that. You probably think that I don’t care because of it and that actually hurts me the most. I really hope your doing well and if you ever go back to Taiwan I hope it’s awesome.
Andrea You were the first person who I ever could not say something to you in person so I wrote you a letter instead informing you how much you had helped me. You always had such awesome music taste and I loved that we would exchange music and understand each others ridiculous jokes (music related and otherwise). I also know we will always be George Orwell’s biggest fans and be able to relate almost everything to one of his books. You helped me so much and I was always comfortable talking to you. I feel bad that I was never as important to you as you were to me. You really were able to get me through a tough time and I know that I’ve thanked you before, but I really never can thank you enough. I remember your reaction to my letter. It was one of the most vivid memories I have and I know it wasn’t fucking fair, but it was necessary and the only way I could say what I needed to. You went away to school and said you would keep in touch, but you are so busy all the time that I never want to bother you. I have always loved your writing it is some of the best I have read anywhere. You scared the hell out of me when you had me read your college essays because I knew mine would never be as good and was worried I wouldn’t be able to stack up to the competition because if they were all like yours I was screwed. We still talk occasionally and I loved seeing you over break. On the off chance you see this just so you know a call from you at any time would completely make my day. I hope you are doing well and you mentioned you are starting to become afraid of your writing. I hope that’s not the case because it is so wonderful, but I just hope you are happy with whatever you end up doing because you deserve that.
Liz I have been writing this for over two hours and the entire time I have dreaded this one. I have no idea what to say. I thought we were the closest it was even possible to be with someone, but apparently I was wrong. You were so helpful to me for a solid 3 or 4 years then it all just went away. We said we would always be friends. You promised you would never be another person to leave me like other people have. Then you did. I know it is probably my fault as much if not more than it is yours, however, I can’t pretend that it doesn’t still hurt me everyday. I feel like everything you said to me that made me feel better about myself was a lie. I can’t look at pictures. I can’t listen to some music. I can’t believe we don’t talk anymore. I can’t believe that I don’t talk to any of our friends anymore because they were all your friends first. I really questioned whether anything was worth it for a while. I seem to be doomed to this fate. I care too much about you to dislike you in the slightest and I know you are probably hurting to, but it still makes me sick to my stomach whenever I think about you. I wish we still talked. I wish you hadn’t just taken a hammer to my self esteem which you helped build so much. I hope you’re over it because that might be the only thing that would upset me more.
Well those were all I could think of right now. I actually know for a fact there are some more, but whatever. I’m trying to move on I just feel like this is always going to happen to me. I’m tired of losing people. I really can’t cope with it. I thought this would help me feel better, but quite honestly I just feel like shit at the moment. If you read this then I’ll actually be kind of surprised, but will appreciate it nonetheless. Oh well I guess that is all I have to say.
If there is one thing I really dislike its how often my eyes are sad. I can’t really explain it, but it is incredibly easy to read people’s eyes and is something I often do to try to find out more about the other person. There is something about eyes that doesn’t allow you to hide things. I don’t know why, but I can feel when my own eyes are sad. I can’t really explain the feeling or anything, but I know when they are. It is incredibly often and it actually really upsets me which doesn’t help make the situation any better. My eyes are sad right now. They have been for most of the past few weeks. It’s really starting to get to me.
This is from an interview with Harry Chapin who was an excellent musician and human being. This part of it was called “My Grandfather”. It is one of my favourite sound clips ever I’m not really sure why.
“If you ever needed blood, I would cut myself
Just to bring you enough blood to bring back your health
And now you looking at my smiling in that hospital bed,
Saying nigga, gotta be something wrong with your man’s head
But the fact is I’m in love with you
And ain’t a thing that I wouldn’t do for you”—"Suicide Love" by Wyclef Jean
"Warrior’s Anthem" by Wyclef Jean AKA Toussaint St. Jean
This song is from Wyclef’s mixtape “From The Hut, To The Projects, To The Mansion”. I have nothing but respect for this artist because he is from Haiti and has not forgotten his roots at all. He has returned to Haiti about every 3 or 4 days to help out since the earthquake and has organized and participated in a ton of benefit concerts for relief in Haiti. He even uses the name Toussaint St. Jean out of respect for Toussaint Louverture, the Haitian revolutionary. His mixtape is actually really good and I personally love this song. Enough of a rant from me I hope you enjoy this.
“I feel like someday you’re going to have a room that has the choice of every type of music imaginable or silence so that people could feel free to dance to whatever music they would like played or just the beat in their own head.”—Mi Padre
"Wounded Heart" from Elegiac Melodies for Strings Op. 34 by Edvard Grieg peformed by The Academy of St. Martin In The Fields and Sir Neville Marriner
This is not even one of Grieg’s best songs in my opinion, but it fits my mood at the moment. What I love about this song and the next one in this series (which is called “The Spring” or “Last Spring” depending on the translation) is the poignant mood he creates in it. The transition between the two is beautiful. Grieg generally writes more “exciting” music (see “Hall of the Mountain King” for example), but I just feel like he nailed this one on a mood level. I dunno
“Do you know what we should do for our senior gift? We should buy a giant sign that says ‘STOP SPENDING MONEY ON STUPID SHIT’ from the class of 2010. If they just followed that reminder the net gain of cash would be way more than any amount we could actually raise on our own and be the most a senior class has ever given.”—Derek
Me (discussing a very superficial poet from the 1700s):Wow I thought that our generation was supposed to be the one of guys just being complete tools.
Derek:No it's just it used to be the exception, now it seems to be the majority. I swear if all girls aren't lesbians in 50 years I will be very surprised and impressed with the male gender for shaping up.
Over the years I have become very good at hiding some of my emotions. I think that along with this I have also come to realize that people are not very observant. I can’t really explain why, but I’ve been getting hit with small bouts of sadness lately and to be honest I’ve been crying quite a bit. I have been able to perfect the art of doing so silently and even talking with a close to steady voice while it is happening. I find it kind of funny merely because I have literally driven people home (so they were about 2 or 3 feet away from me) and they have had no idea that I am even upset. It’s a really odd feeling and things like it have happened several times in the past couple weeks. I’m not sure how I feel about it.
I’ve been doing a really bad job putting my thoughts down lately and for that I kind of apologize. So I have recently been thinking about two drawings that if I had any artistic ability I would like to attempt to draw. One has been kicking around in my head for a few years now that just keeps getting added onto and the other just came to me the yesterday. The one that I just recently thought of came from the phrase “Set Me Free”. I don’t know why I was thinking about it yesterday, but it came to mind and I saw it as something carved into a wrist with the letters being all jagged. This is not really a complex idea or anything it’s just something I would really like to do. The other idea is kind of hard to explain. A lot of times I feel like I have too much going on in my head and that it is too jam packed to allow me to function properly. I drew a sketch of it a few years ago, but I have this idea of someone with gun pulling the trigger while it is pointed at their head, but rather than blood or anything coming out of the other side, I see all of the contents (subject wise) of their head coming out. For instance there could be music notes, books, images, movies, issues, memories, etc. I don’t really know why I want to draw that one either. Both of these I feel like would just be sad if they are not well done so I will probably never actually draw them, but I wanted to at least share my concepts. Rather silly of me, but whatever.