It;s nights like to tonight

When nothings alright

and it doesn’t suffice

to just make television my life

that i feel the need for human company

but there is none to be found

and i lack the ability to ask

so i pound

my fist into my skin

hoping bruises set in

while being tormented by these characters on the silver screen

making choices to naive, stupid and mean

that i know i myself would be making in their situation

this is no vacation

my mind is wrapped up

and fucked

just like it is on almost every occasion

it’s nights like tonight

when there is an itching to fight

the demons in my head

the monsters under my bed

the unspoken truths in lies

that have become second nature and i now despise

that im happy i dont like alcohol

because too much of that and i will fall

not flat on my face

but flat on a knife

and i often wonder if i possessed a gun

would a really do anything with it or are all these thoughts of sucide fantasy, fun

it’s nights like tonight

that the distance isn’t tright

but rather a fresh, new wound

that seems to allow enough loss to make me swoon

yet my love carries on

and i listen to a song

how it would all be unbearable without this

that i can’t pass on because at least one person will miss

gives me hope though it can make me sad

knowing if nothing else this is not passing fad

and i need that at these times

it’s nights like tonight

it all comes rushing back

the heart rushing the lack of feeling the panic attack

and i lay in my bed

and trap myself in my head

cry about some fictional person

because they’re so much like me

moreso i fear than i’ll ever be

i can’t sleep i barely eat

im a right old mess

its hard when people think your so put together i must confess

the real me is tired of watching from the side

wants to come out and in people confide

but everyone is sleeping

doing something i wish could

so i’ll keep to myself

write a poem i’ll look back on with disgust

trash it as my low self esteem resurfacing in a gust

unsustained

hopefully bring back my shoddily maintained bravado

laugh the loudest

who’ll know

*note*  There was zero editing in this sort of intentionally.  I know shit is spelled wrong and whatnot.  It’s all good.