My whole life is just me pushing as hard as I can towards “The Collapse”.  The idea of old age and peace is not enticing to me.  What I want is to just work as hard as I can and to the point that my body physically cannot keep up with all of the emotional, mental and physical duress I put it through.  The trick for me is trying to get the maximum performance out of it before I’m done.  I don’t want one part of me to give out.  I want to simultaneously have my heart explode, a brain aneurism, lungs and stomach collapse, and liver and kidneys fail.  When my body hits the floor I want there to be no questions about whether or not I’m done.  No need to rush to a hospital.  No need to waste any additional resources on me.  I want people to look at me and say “He did all he could.  Maybe he did not make the best decisions or take the best care of himself, but he gave it all he could.”  That’s all I really want.